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fic post: "Mornspare" (hot fuzz) - Thanks, ants.
Thants.
annlarimer
annlarimer
fic post: "Mornspare" (hot fuzz)
Title: Mornspare
Fandom: Hot Fuzz. For zeddish's "I think we all need to just sit down and fucking smile" fluff challenge.
Rating: PG for the cussin'. Actually there may not be cussing in this. I'm not reading it again to check. It's morning, and they haven't had their tea, and it takes a while to work up to really good cussing.
Summary: Bob Walker uses voicemail. Shaka, when the walls fell.
Author's Notes: There's a bit in "Five Things that Never Happened in Sandford, Gloucestershire" where Bob Walker tells Nicholas and Danny that "Argrafollyerbs." They look at him blankly. I knew exactly what "Argrafollyerbs" meant when I wrote it. By the time the story got to final draft I had no idea at all.
Disclaimer: Narrrrrr, Hoffuzznahmeyne. Sroagsfuzz, anegarnseymanallmayid.



"Agrafollyerbs. Argrafollyerbs."

Inspector Nicholas Angel sat at his desk, head in his hands, morning tea untouched.

"Argrafollyerbs," he murmured. He stared at the telephone.

Danny Butterman wandered in. "You what?"

"I got a voicemail from Bob Walker."

"Yeah?"

"'Morning, Inspector, it's Bob Walker, argrafollyerbs.'"

"Oh."

"Actually it was, 'Mornsparesbobwarr, argra--'"

"'--follyerbs,'" they said together.

"I...don't know what argrafollyerbs means."

"Ah."

"I don't suppose you...?"

Danny shook his head.

"Argrafollyerbs," said Nicholas.

"Argrafollyerbs," said Danny. "I'm going to...follyerbs."

"Follyerbs seems to be the tricky bit. I'm going on the assumption that it wasn't some sort of emergency, since it wasn't, for example, 'Oh dear Jesus send help, argrafollyerbs.' Or 'Argrafollyerbs' with gunfire in the background."

"Yeah," Danny agreed.

"Argrafollyerbs," said Nicholas.

"Argrafollyerbs," said Danny.

"I'm gonna...fool your herbs."

"P'rhaps he's confessing he's some sort of criminal mastermind. He's Keyser Söze!"

Nicholas glared at him.

"Or not," said Danny.

"I'm gonna fold your bees."

Doris Thatcher poked her head in the door. "We havin' the morning thingy, Inspector?"

***

Five minutes later, Angel's office was filled to capacity with puzzled, pacing officers.

"Our grateful...yerbs," said Andy Wainwright.

"Yes, grab hold of your balls," said Andy Cartwright.

"I'm going to...flood all Europe," said Tony Fisher.

"He's not a supervillain," Danny objected.

"Isn't he?" Tony replied. "How well do any of us really know him?"

"He's my godfather," said Doris.

"My Mum used to go out with him," said Andy Cartwright.

"He taught me how to drive," said Andy Wainwright.

"All right, all right." Tony raised a hand in surrender. "But other than that..."

"Our great folly...erbs," said Nicholas.

"Inspector, don't go before we share our first sweet, tender kissOW!" A bin glanced off Andy Wainwright's head and clattered to the floor. "Who threw that?" Wainwright rubbed his head and looked cross.

"Nice one," Danny told Nicholas.

Nicholas examined his fingernails with great interest.

"I'm grateful you're...'erberts," said Doris.

"Argh, raffle yarbles," sad Andy Cartwright.

"What is this obsession with wedding tackle?" Wainwright asked him.

Cartwright shrugged.

"I'm going rafting, you...yerbs," said Tony.

"Our graft...no, that's going nowhere," said Danny.

"Our gravelly arbors?" Nicholas offered.

"I'll grab the orbs," said Andy Cartwright.

"Ah, grateful you're boss," said Andy Wainwright. "No, that can't be it."

"Yes, gravel your beds," said Danny. "Does Bob keep fish?"

"Agra fall ere years," said Tony.

"Agra?" Doris asked him.

"I think it's in India," Tony replied.

"What, he's Nostradamus?"

"Actually," Angel said, "Agra fell in..."

Everyone was staring at him.

"Kipling wrote about it in...oh, never mind."

The door opened once more. "Morrn!"

"Bob!" said everyone.

"Ar," said Bob, and started for the kettle.

"Wait!" Nicholas said.

"Ar?"

There was a very long pause. Then..."Argra...follyerbs?" Angel asked hesitantly.

The rest of the squad looked expectant.

Bob nodded. "Ar," he said, and went to get a cup of tea.

Nicholas folded his arms. "Well, thank heaven that's settled."

The rest of the squad threw small objects at him.


Thanks to: puipui, dr_tectonic, and crantz for "Inspector, don't go before we share our first sweet, tender kiss."

Tags: , ,
where: arsajobinnit
mood: discontent discontent

Flavogg heard 30 supplications or speak to the Mighty Flavogg
Comments
gypsyjr From: gypsyjr Date: June 10th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC) (linkage)
... I love you. XD

It's morning, and they haven't had their tea, and it takes a while to work up to really good cussing.

You should try spending a morning at my house. >.>
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 10th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Shut up and eat your fucking toast.
viedma From: viedma Date: June 10th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC) (linkage)

it was all about debt resettlement

And then PC Walker sends him an invoice for 1000 pounds.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 10th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC) (linkage)

"they said the recipe cost two-fifty!"

*SPORRRRRRFL*
obsessical From: obsessical Date: June 10th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC) (linkage)

black books reference maybe???

I hope it's I'm gonna fold all your bees.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC) (linkage)

Re: black books reference maybe???

I doubt Bob's commitment to bee-folding.
big_twinkie From: big_twinkie Date: June 10th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC) (linkage)
this made me giggle on a regular basis. :) especially like when tony's suggestions.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Yay! Giggling is what we at AnnCorpCo strive for. Also pizza.
alpha_orionis_v From: alpha_orionis_v Date: June 10th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I find that every time I re-read something I wrote that had Walker talking, I completely forgot what it was he was meant to be saying.


That man is such a pest. ♥
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Yeah, but dogs like him, so he must be okay.
(Deleted comment)
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Cartwright is a lonely, lonely man.
mckay_ocd From: mckay_ocd Date: June 11th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC) (linkage)
Temba, his arms wide.

I haven't read it yet but I just wanted to say *Yay!* For the Darmok ref in the summary! :P Best episode ever.

I'll be back to review!

Edited at 2008-06-11 01:48 am (UTC)
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 11th, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC) (linkage)
:D Temba goes out for a little racquetball and a smoothie.
ecto_gammat From: ecto_gammat Date: June 11th, 2008 02:45 am (UTC) (linkage)
I've fallen into fucking gigglespasms n.n

YOU'VE FUCKING KILLED ME WITH GIGGLESPASMS!

...

I love you ♥
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:40 pm (UTC) (linkage)
:D ♥
dr_tectonic From: dr_tectonic Date: June 11th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC) (linkage)
Yay! You posted it!

It's gone meta-funny for me. I just think about it now and I laugh.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:42 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I suddenly realized I was overthinking the whole needing coherent structure thing, and said, in essence, fuck it.

I do like that icon. It's all pretty 'n stuff.
wolfy_writing From: wolfy_writing Date: June 11th, 2008 07:25 am (UTC) (linkage)
EEEEEEEE! This is brilliant!

I will never be able to envision Bob Walker not secretly being a supervillain now, you know.

Argrafollyerbs=I'm gonna follow you...herbs?
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I got nuthin'.

Bob must have some sort of secret life. Perhaps he and Saxon roam the countryside, righting wrongs.
skew_whiff From: skew_whiff Date: June 11th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC) (linkage)
It was all going well until this bit:

"I'm going to...flood all Europe," said Tony Fisher.

"He's not a supervillain," Danny objected.

"Isn't he?" Tony replied. "How well do any of us really know him?"


And then I cracked up. Pity I had a mouthful of water at the time.

This, as usual, is excellent.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Oh dear. Um. Towel?
beccavox From: beccavox Date: June 12th, 2008 02:21 am (UTC) (linkage)
I was going to read this while my students were working on an assignment in class. Now I'm so glad I waited until I was far away from any other humans to read it because my giggling made me sound insane.

Well, more insane than usual.

annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: June 17th, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I...I got nuthin'. I'm scared of students. *hides*
random_nexus From: random_nexus Date: December 15th, 2008 09:32 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Tears in eyes. Face cramping. Hate you with much love. Gawdz yer feckin funny!

"argrafollyerbs" - obviously this is a warning that giraffes are eating all of your herbs. Sure. *sporfle*
roachpatrol From: roachpatrol Date: March 5th, 2009 06:01 am (UTC) (linkage)
Oh man, this is really, really cute. I have no idea either. The mystery may never be solved.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: March 5th, 2009 11:05 pm (UTC) (linkage)
It's totally gone. But it lives on in this doofy, plotless story. :D

I expect that just before my final death rattle, I'll sit up, and cry, "I remember! It was COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH DIE."

Thank you so much for reading!
day221b From: day221b Date: February 11th, 2011 02:33 am (UTC) (linkage)
Hysterical! I could completely see this.
Flavogg heard 30 supplications or speak to the Mighty Flavogg