Log in

No account? Create an account
tales of interest you guys box with numbers in inflammation the panda won't stop screaming backwards backwards frontwards frontwards
fic post: 'many hands' (hot fuzz) - Thanks, ants.
fic post: 'many hands' (hot fuzz)
TITLE: Many Hands
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: 700ish
WARNINGS: American spelling; gore
SUMMARY: The NWA demonstrate the small-town values of cooperation, mutual support, and local self-sufficiency.
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to Big Talk and Rogue and, y'know, all them guys.

"There you are," Joyce Cooper chirruped, floofing open a black bin liner. "Many hands make light work!"

"Very true," said Robin Hatcher. "Thank you, Joyce." He bent over Martin Blower's dressing table, bone saw in hand.

She smiled. "You're welcome."

Supervising from the dressing-room doorway, Frank Butterman smiled at his colleagues. Harmony, he thought. Harmony is our watchword.

"Wait," said a voice.

Dammit. "Is there a problem, Simon?"

"It's just -- I'm sorry, Robin -- it's Doctor Hatcher's saw." Simon Skinner turned from the bloodstained wall, squirt bottle of peroxide in hand. There was no small amount of splatter, as was to be expected when a swinging axe met a brace of carotid arteries. "I'm sorry, I really must object."

"Oh, there's a shock," Joyce muttered.

Dr. Hatcher winked at her, then turned to Skinner. "I need it to remove Miss Draper's head. It's not quite off." The recently late Eve Draper stared up sightlessly from the dresser, which had been drafted as a temporary operating table.

Ronnie Butcher had done an excellent and efficient job of dispatching both Martin Blower and Eve Draper with his axe. Mr. Blower was headless, albeit still bespectacled; Miss Draper was only nearly headless, but had undergone LASIK surgery in Bristol, at Mr. Blower's expense. Ronnie had then vacated the tiny dressing room to give the others room to work. He and his brother Ron were now transporting Mr Blower's car to a lay-by at the edge of town. Truly they were multi-talented.

"I'm sorry, but using a bone saw... it really isn't striking her head from her shoulders." Skinner made the guillotine-y gesture they'd all come to loathe in recent weeks. But, in all fairness, Frank thought, he looked genuinely distressed.

"It's how they taught us to do it at St. Swithin's," Doctor Hatcher said mildly.

"I do understand," Skinner said. "But I'm not talking about correct medical procedure, Doctor, I'm talking about poetic justice."

"Hold on, Sissy, let's stick to first principles," Amanda Paver's voice, followed by Amanda Paver, rose up from below. She had been set to blotting and spraying the tile floor. She was working her way through a pile of white towels which, by morning, would be laundered and returned to the Sandford Primary School gymnasium. "We're killing them -- well, have killed them -- because they're bloody annoying, not for your poncey notions of--"

Skinner bristled. "Poncey?"

"Poncey, sir!"

Being a good leader means knowing when to let your team members solve disputes on their own, and when to step in. Frank held up his hands. "Hold on, hold on, we're all friends here. There's no reason to argue. Simon, you object to Dr. Hatcher's technique, because you feel that the correct method would be to perform the decapitation with one continuing stroke or blow -- or in this case at least finish the job. Correct?"


"All right. How would we do this, here and now, with the instruments on hand? Ronnie took his axe with him when he left. Doctor Hatcher has his saw, and I assume a few choice scalpels in his bag. I have a pocketknife."

"I have a Leatherman," Amanda Paver put in.

"Yes. And while these instruments..."

"It has a corkscrew."

"Thank you, Amanda. And while these are all entirely serviceable instruments to one degree or another, when it comes to delivering a single finishing blow...?"

Enlightenment dawned on Skinner's face. "Oh, I see."

Frank smiled. "They're too small, aren't they?"

"By God, Frank, when you're right, you're right. Practicality, in this case, must trump poetry."

"Good man." Frank clapped him on the back.

Skinner turned to Dr. Hatcher. "Robin, old horse, I'm sorry. You're entirely right. Please forgive my outburst and carry on."

"Quite all right. Least said, soonest mended." Hatcher returned to his sawing.

"Not for these two, eh?" said Frank, inclining his head at Miss Draper and the already divided Mr Blower.

The room erupted in laughter.

There was a melonish thunk as Eve Draper's head came loose and plopped into the bin bag.

"Oh, well done!" said Joyce.

It's nice when we all get along, thought Frank. Really, there's no dispute that can't be settled with reasonable discussion amongst friends.

"Tell you what," said Skinner. "When we've all knocked off for the night, breakfast is on me."

Everyone applauded.

Then they returned to dealing with the corpses, and cleaning the blood spray off the walls.

Tags: ,
mood: lonely lonely

Flavogg heard 21 supplications or speak to the Mighty Flavogg
amanda_now From: amanda_now Date: August 6th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC) (linkage)
"There was no small amount of splatter, as was to be expected when a swinging axe met a brace of carotid arteries"

annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 6th, 2009 09:10 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I had to rewatch the murder several times. You only see quick cuts, but there's no way the place isn't...well, the NWA have to do some planning in advance to keep the blood under control, even though they do a crime scene bait and switch.
(Deleted comment)
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 6th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC) (linkage)
I am always happy if I can gross you out. It's like getting a little animal sticker on my homework.
(Deleted comment)
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 6th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC) (linkage)
:D Danke.
kindkit From: kindkit Date: August 6th, 2009 07:00 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Funny, disturbing, and very, very NWA.
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 6th, 2009 08:56 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Thank you very much. Stop by any time!
random_nexus From: random_nexus Date: August 6th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (linkage)
You are the most talented sicko I know!
I love this to bits & pieces!
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 6th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Thank you! I had to go in with one last pass to make it more gory. Did you know there's a howtogetbloodstainsoutofstuff.com site? There is!
random_nexus From: random_nexus Date: August 7th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC) (linkage)
We need to know these things, though! Next time your car needs some work, y'know?
Y'gotta prepare.

More gory? HEH!
Go you.
(little cheering guy, recently decapitated)
smiley_cow From: smiley_cow Date: August 6th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Ewww. But in a good way. :)
robanybody From: robanybody Date: August 6th, 2009 11:56 pm (UTC) (linkage)
This is utterly brilliant and terrifying. I love it!
bakaknight From: bakaknight Date: August 7th, 2009 03:55 am (UTC) (linkage)
There was no small amount of splatter, as was to be expected when a swinging axe met a brace of carotid arteries.

This is very true. Arterial spurts are like THE messiest of all of them...
-notices the looks-
It`s all for my classes, honest! I have pictures and diagrams and stuff!
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 7th, 2009 02:27 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Man, Social Studies has really gotten hardcore in the last 30 years.
bakaknight From: bakaknight Date: August 7th, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC) (linkage)
So have 'Interviewing & Investigations' and 'Defence Tactics: How to arrest them before they get you' classes. :D
leaper182 From: leaper182 Date: August 7th, 2009 04:01 am (UTC) (linkage)
I don't know how you managed it, but this is both amusing and deeply disturbing. They'd have to be really good friends if they're helping each other dispose of bodies, and yet in an organization encompassing the movers and shakers of Sandford, there would inevitably be conflict.

Why is it, for some reason, I can imagine them chatting it up and goofing off while disposing of corpses? That it's gotten so routine for them that it's not ghoulish anymore, but just another Thursday?

*adds to memories*
annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 7th, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC) (linkage)
They happily murder a clutch of children and hide the bodies at the beginning of the movie. I don't think much gets to them anymore. "What about the traffic cone?" "Oh, leave it on the little bastard."
marshwiggledyke From: marshwiggledyke Date: August 8th, 2009 02:48 pm (UTC) (linkage)
Oh god, now you've got me imagining the NWA mocking the two dead amateurs even more by staging an impromptu hand-puppety with the heads. AmDram, the NWA way.
beccavox From: beccavox Date: August 18th, 2009 12:08 am (UTC) (linkage)
I have been apparently been mentally out of the country and missed when you posted this one. But now, having made up for my slackage, I have read it and been rightly disturbed and amused.

For some reason, Amanda Paver volunteering her Leatherman really made me chuckle. All over my cat.

The NWA what a bunch of cut-ups.

annlarimer From: annlarimer Date: August 18th, 2009 01:33 pm (UTC) (linkage)
It has a corkscrew!
irisbleufic From: irisbleufic Date: August 30th, 2009 11:10 am (UTC) (linkage)
That is gross, but really kind of cool *thumbs up*
Flavogg heard 21 supplications or speak to the Mighty Flavogg